Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”

screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them

🤣😂🤣😂

I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.

Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future

Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know

Me: Oh yes! I do know them!

Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂

Me: oh God no

Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.

One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos

You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything

I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.

Thankfully, these political ads will be over soon, then we can move on to the civil war stage

Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun

Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier

My body feels like it’s aging in dog years

bruce banner: [getting angry]

black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]

bruce banner: what is this?

black widow: anger manageMINT.

hulk: [sighs heavily]

Am I married? I got trapped in my jean jacket once and panicked cause I couldn’t take it off, what do you think?

When I am served half an egg at a restaurant,

I wonder to myself:

Who has the other half of my egg?

Two strangers;

Living their lives;

Sharing an egg.

I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me

“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago

Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.

I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.

I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it

Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.

Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”

Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.

[before date]

friend: make everything about her

[date]

waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*

me: *to date* this is all your fault

What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”

I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.

mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*

genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?

mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye

genie: *looks at the lamp*

lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*

genie: i for an eye 🙂

Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.