Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.

Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.

Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.

My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.

I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?

a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin

#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.

What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”

Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.

[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were here

Domino’s : we said 30 min or less

“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes

What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?

Worlds greatest photobomb

If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.

[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?

whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.

Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he

Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.

me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–

detective: okay I got the picture

me: wow that was really fast

“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”

-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.

Alien: did you just call me daddy

Me: I don’t get probed much

If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.

no one:

my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?

[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]

Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?

10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.

{Commercial for Floors}

Is this you?

{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}

Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.

*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”

Can you solve the riddle??

The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.