Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple

Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.

I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.

*leans forward*

*leans back*

*leans forward*

*leans back*

Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?

Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!

Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?

I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.

IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice

ME: I really don’t know what you want from me

if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?

[Ouija board]

“Hey spirits, talk to us”

W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E

“fml”

The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.

me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall

Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived

[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.

so

the limit is 412 chicken nuggets

what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you

Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.

Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb

Guy: *combing teeth* thanks

Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.

Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.

joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people

batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you

joker:

batman:

joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem

Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”

*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*

Me: “Excellent.”

Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:

Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”

Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!

garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake

11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.

Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?

Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*

Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate

Me: *shyly lifts top*

Husband: no

Note from 5yo:

“I need help with my meth.”

I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.

Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’

Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’

The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone

The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party

16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-

You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.

Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.