*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
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I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?