*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
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She was rare, like a goth carolling.
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
best feeling ever is when u dream u accidentally murder someone and try to cover it up but of course the dominos start crashing down and your life is ruined, and u wake up like omg. I’m sooo glad I didn’t kill that guy
The spelling of “bourgeoisie” was intended as yet another means of oppression
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
Me after TurboTax asks me to confirm I’ve reviewed all of the documents (I don’t understand anything)
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)