Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
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pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
I started cooking dinner, and my 7yo paused in her playing, gave me a hard side eye, and opened the window in anticipation of smoke. That burn is worse than anything I could do to the food, y’all.
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
That de-escalated quickly
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
mumsnet is amazing
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.