Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
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DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
Today a kindergartener asked me if he could ask me a question and I said “sure” and then he did a somersault.
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
Spotify: enjoy the next 30 minutes commercial free
Also Spotify: we have no concept of time
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
*updates tinder bio*
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
I hope this email punches you square in the face
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”