Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mob boss: fellas, restrain him

me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me

Mob boss: and gag him

What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.

if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”

judas: hey man want to come out to last supper

jesus: what?

judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free

You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped

marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does

1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping

Watermelon Boss!

Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.

there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps

Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!

There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.

My eye caught an article about the presidential debate but I read it as “preschool debate” and I’m pretty sure they’re the same thing

Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?

Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.

This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.

Wait a minute…

“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”

Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.

So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”

mmm onion ringos

Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket

(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein

One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.

PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.

That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.

Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.

My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.

My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.

I see that your IQ test came back negative.

There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room

Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).

I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.

One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.