Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
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*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
When you’re tweeting something ridiculous that’s happened in the American election, please clearly mark whether it’s real or a joke.
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
My mum is at end of life with Alzheimer’s, 99% non-verbal, but Coldplay just came on the radio and she looked me in the eye and said “turn it off”.
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
being human is disgusting sometimes but i don’t think i’d want to be a fish
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are