Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
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My current situation
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
*hands doctor a pee sample*
“Here you go doctor, you said I needed to do a urine test”
DOCTOR: “No, I said a hearing test”
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Cat armor
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How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
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3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?