Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-

millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in

ghost: *appearing* prepare to die

millennial: omg even better

<door bell>

Zombie wife: Is that Bob?

Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.

She: “I am expecting…”

Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”

She: “…someone at 3.”

You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow

Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.

“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order

Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.

Me: Fake?

CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-

ME: Here, take my seat

EXECUTIONER: No thank you

Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…

John Mayer first drafts.

Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.

Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.

Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus

ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high

CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk

ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af

CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!

When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.

Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”

There is no try. There is only give up.

I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”

Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.

If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.

“I’m 59 but have a biological age of 21” sorry if you are 59 your biological age is 59 because you are 59 years old

It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.

Ok team, today we’re …..oh

Harry Potter Diss Track

Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?

Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.

Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.

Boss: ….?

just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant

It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.

I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.

I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster

Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–