LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
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If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
The “baby” on the left….
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed