Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

but that was my emotional support daylight

just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.

Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me

Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.

Until you realize you live alone.

I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.

“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks

I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.

if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet

To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.

TWITTER

2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral

2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable

2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater

2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools

[at the top of mt everest]

friend: i can’t believe we did it!

me: i know!

friend: what do you think of the view?

me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.

she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space

Boss: do you have Twitter?

Me: what’s twitter?

Boss: no seriously

Me: ……

Me: no hablo Inglés

I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited

7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch

me: that’s wonderful

7: except the things I don’t like

me: there it is.

what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait

please tinder add AI to your app. i dont want to be involved in the modern dating experience. let a robot do it for me. let the machines suffer in our place

20s: I’m on top of the world!

50s: stop the world I want to get off!

Copy Editor is a rewording career.

*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”

Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?

Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?

Me:

Host:

Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?

COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.

Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥

What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?

i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert

“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”

– me, peeping at you in the shower

Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.

What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!

That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.

i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free