LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
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Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
Working at any office is like “Ok we’re transitioning to Salarya, but payroll is still in Bullfrog—did you see my Noosecock post? Submit your timecard on Fireplayce then jizz me on Smackdog . Do NOT upload to Crackerz without Yammer approval
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
If you’re testing me, we failed.
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
Bruh
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.