Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
serving silly goose instead of turkey
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
Been escorted out of the building of Global IT for unplugging something so I could plug in my George Foreman grill
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
Me in tagged photos
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
