Lazy? More like “selective participant” am I right?
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Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
I’m 36 going on 37.
Old enough to play a high-school student in a major motion picture.
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
do what now??
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”