Lazy? More like “selective participant” am I right?
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In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
I hope it’s French Onion!
99 ninety nine
88 eighty eight
77 seventy seven
66 sixty six
55 fifty five
44 forty four
33 thirty three
22 twenty two
11 tenty one
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
Not to sound overdramatic but if I don’t have a carb in the next 12 minutes, I will fight everyone at this JOANN FABRICS
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?