LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
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I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
when someone rings the doorbell
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
“I swear to God I will turn this car around”
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped