Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
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I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
How does someone manage that 🤨
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
[struggling to get out of a hammock] come here and say that
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?