Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
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*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
Me: This is my favorite. I would like to buy this exact same item of clothing again
The Fashion Industry: No.
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
having children is a pyramid scheme.
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
sure, why not
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this