Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.

sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot

My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale

My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts

a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.

Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.

I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:

My kids don’t live there.

I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!

But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.

I’m the drunk sheep of the family.

Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away

girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?

her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?

Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even

Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.

Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*

common English mistakes:

-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place

Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”

911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.

ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!

ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?

If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet

Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy

Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no

I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.

I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.

My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*

Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?

I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.

I’m killing this last will and testament.

If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up

*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*

Nurse: We only need one.

*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*

I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros

“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.

Be the reason someone burns sage.

Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?

Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda