Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.

I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.

I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.

I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.

I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.

Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?

I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful

“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut

crush: i really like music

me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*

I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.

They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.

*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*

Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.

*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*

Wife: OMG, Are you OK?

Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!

Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.

Me: Wait, What??

-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it

Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.

Bad news: I’m not wearing them.

#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe

[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”

Um, the Stork.

[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.

Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.

*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*

There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.

My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.

Them: Describe your personality using one word.

Me: no

Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?

*Slides down your chimney*

*Straightens all your pictures*

If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.

Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.

Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified

My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.

going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed

When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.

If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.

I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside

Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.

584.

[high school reunion]

me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes

whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person