Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.

DATE: I love playful women

ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-

Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.

UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please

Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.

I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.

How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river

Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.

5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.

I will selflessly protect my family from a life of diabetes by eating the entire box of donuts.

When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.

Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.

Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”

Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”

me: i love sleepovers

doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital

me: then why do I have this nightgown

doctor: that’s a hospital gown

me: truth or dare

doctor:

me:

doctor: dare

Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.

The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.

[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit

[at the gym]

GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.

broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex

woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere

You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother

[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]

HER: So what kind of car do you drive?

ME: A bookmobile.

I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.

Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way

Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.

Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe

*has kids*

Also me: Not like that

I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second

*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS

Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.

LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.

[job interview]

employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company

me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant