Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
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Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
The scariest pumpkins ever 😵🤣🎃
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
going to the ER y’all need anything
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?