I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
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Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
What my back needs
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.