Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
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*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.