Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids

You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.

BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday

What did the dad reply to the mom who said “I’ve had enough, I’m selling my kid on eBay”?

“Don’t be silly. You made him, so sell him on Etsy.”

[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.

[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”

I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people

I painted today

Everyone complimented me on my turtle

It was a bird, I painted a bird

Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.

Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.

One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”

her: this is the worst date EVER

me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit

First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol

First night as a vampire hunter: oh no

I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014

The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever

When I go out on a Friday night, I choose my outfit based on what would look best in my mugshot

Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to

I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.

They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”

I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.

*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*

HOT POCKET

“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”

I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on

My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.

1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.

*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror*

*returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3

My @FedEx package was never actually delivered to my house and you’ll never believe who signed for it

PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.

That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.

Interviewer: Describe your current position.

Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.

when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves