Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
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*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
The most unbelievable thing on TV is when a killer is in the house and someone hides in empty space under the bed. You mean to tell me you’re not keeping 6 storage bins, three rolls of Christmas wrapping paper, and a box of old papers under there
I just killed a huge bug on the back porch with my shoe. No one steals my shoe.
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
EVERYBODY SHUT UP the plane they use to fly the horses from all over the world to the Olympics for the equestrian events is called AIR HORSE ONE
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
I wear a lot of sport bras for someone who gets winded brushing their teeth.
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
Fixed this for Shakespeare
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
You can’t outrun your problems…
I asked the waitress for a quickie and she slapped me. The old woman next to me said, “It’s pronounced ‘quiche’, dear.”