Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
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I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
Before & after 😅
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.