[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
You Might Also Like
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
why isn’t thunder called soundning
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
what’s really going on
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?