[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
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Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Can everyone please turn their A/C off during the day we need that power to generate images of people with eight fingers.
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
Relationship status update:
It’s been so long I’ve advertised my face as a chair on Facebook marketplace
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
saw this in a dream
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
Not to brag, but my best yoga pose is awkward facing dog.
Someone once threw some herbs in my eyes. It didn’t blind me but I’m now parsley sighted.
You heard.
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
#CatsOnTwitter
It is kind of inspiring that I messed up my life without drugs, gambling or a troubled youth. People really can do anything.
You have been warned.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night