Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[commercial for IKEA]

Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?

Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice

Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads

I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze

Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?

Helicopter pilot: …no.

I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life

I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.

My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao

What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.

Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.

cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer

me: were they favorable

oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow

I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.

We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.

thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs

Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”

Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”

I’m aging like a fine banana

Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.

Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990

Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.

Universe: Humble her.

[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?

If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed

If she’s interested in you she will reply

If she isn’t, she won’t

Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take

I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.

Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?

Friend: How long till school starts?

Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.

Oops

*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*

Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.

Me: A transplant?

Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.

Me:

People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs