[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
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It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
Them: You should try keto
Me:
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons