*leads a conga line off of a bridge
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amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
is she “spiritual” or does she just really like rocks?
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
Comparing yourself to others
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
When you promised to deliver the project in two weeks but didn’t mention which year
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
Tequila should come with a label saying “this may cause you to pick trash off the interstate in an orange jumpsuit on the weekends.”