*leads a conga line off of a bridge
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[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
My grandparents have been married for 62 years. When I asked them what was their secret to such a long marriage, my grandmother said God is punishing her
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
She wanted me to impress her in the bedroom so I showed her my organised sock drawer and my fresh matching bedding
SCARY COSTUME
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
“It’s the most wonderful crime of the year!” I crooned running away with the pot of Santa’s donations.
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
No Black Friday for me, if I wanna see people fighting over electronics I’ll just give my daughter and her cousins an iPad
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
my google home just took a command from the movie I was watching and said “got it, now playing ‘I’m the one’ by DJ Khaled featuring Justin Bieber” and when I said STOP it stopped playing the movie I was watching. Everything is insane