*leads a conga line off of a bridge
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Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
The Cut is a psyop that was created so that whenever society feels extremely divided, we will receive a perfectly timed personal essay from someone so terrible, we will drop all our quarrels and come together for the purpose of cyberbullying them into oblivion.
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too