Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife just opened my car door for me.

Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.

If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.

Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me

Her: like a mom

Me: haha exactly, and—

Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili

Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?

[ during sex ]

Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.

Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT

KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?

ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.

At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it

Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!

“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis

Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!

“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”

Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.

Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.

My dress code is business-casualty.

Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.

Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”

Staff member: “Bonus!”

Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”

HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same

The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about

If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die

Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.

I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere

I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.

Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut

Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.

Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.

I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years

I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event

[church]

1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*

Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.

Wife: Nuclear power plants?

Me: Second worst place.