Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.

If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.

#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris

Cop: Know why I stopped u?

“To compliment my hair?”

Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.

I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.

These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them

I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.

I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.

“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.

Dog: *just lookin at me*

Me: go lay down

Dog: ok.

Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*

Me: *wincing* thank you

Cat: damn right thank you

[face down in a bowl of hot soup]

WAITER: is everything ok?

ME: could I get a spoon or something

Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.

I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER

Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.

He cooked 2 sausages.

I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying

Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious

My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.

‘Twas the day after Christmas and all through the house, not a creature was stirring- because food comas

Taze me once, shame on you; taze me twice, I’ve snuck back into the zoo

My husband in the next room of our small old house trying to store away the unreasonable bounty he brought home from Costco tonight: “I have made errors. Why did I think we had this much room for pancake mix?”

[sharing a cold one with the guys]

“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”

The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.

Today I quit drinking wine for good.

Now I only drink for evil.

me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos

No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.

Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are

Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.

A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.

Him: A nap? Really?

Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.

Him:

Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.

Him: Guess they like pizza, too.

Me: What do you have against wolves?

Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years

British cheese: We briefly scared a cow

American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine