*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
You Might Also Like
instead of being able to object at weddings we should be able to object at nursing school graduations
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.