Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.

Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.

As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”

A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.

I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.

Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.

WANTED: Sanity

LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy

REWARD: 4 year old

Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.

We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.

just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch

I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “

*record scratch*

Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…

Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks

Me: Don’t make this weird

Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker

GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?

ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings

If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.

I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.

do not feed a big man 12 eggs a day. you super charge a big man’s egg power levels to that extent he will devour your other family members. trust me I learned this the hard way

explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process

The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.

I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.

I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us

Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that

IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.

A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.

Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time

*takes my split ends to couples counseling*

Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.

<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>

“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows

I get it fireworks, people set me off too.

ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness

STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no