*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
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I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
They should build a separate grocery store for people who have actually purchased food before, know how to push a cart, and possess at least an ounce of spatial awareness.
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.