Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.

There is a house I drive by most days and I can never tell if they are having a yard sale or that is just how they live.

I found out my girlfriend was really a ghost

I suspected so, the moment she walked through the door

*eating lawn mower parts*

what, it’s grass fed

“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*

If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.

If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.

🤣

you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.

I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.

*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*

Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.

Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.

No crypto for me thanks, at least not until I figure out how dollars work.

“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.

So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.

[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”

Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?

Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty

satan: welcome to hell

me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?

s: yup all you can read!

m: wow!

s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?

me, nervously: yes..why?

*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*

m: aw hell

I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity

My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.

Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?

I just passed the cutest kitten.

It was much easier than swallowing it.

Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?

*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.

KFC hitting the cannibal market

a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself

I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.

– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?

Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*

Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.