Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)

Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency

Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah

Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?

A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt

Are you ok?

– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.

*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*

My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.

Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency

Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party

My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.

If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.

[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what

An avocado is a vegan kinder egg

(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”

Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.

Me: How did the interrogation go?

Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.

Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.

My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing

Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.

When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve

Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex

I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.

ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]

Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice

Today is the day I write something beautifully profound

No. That was it. I’m going back to bed

This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.

When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?

[First date]

Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?

Him: Water?

Me: No, my personality.

Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?

Me: They’re for my meeting at work.

Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?

Me: And?

Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂

I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.

Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.

I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.