Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face

I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise

[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.

[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there

“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”

January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday

If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.

Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.

me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi

two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet

*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats

Your honor, I was only doing a facepalm and his face got in the way of my face.

8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.

me: oh wow ok…

8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.

me: nice, what about me?

8yo: you get eaten.

If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party

Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.

Judas has been acting weird the last few days.

I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.

Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive

Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals

“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.

My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.

They should invent something in between cappuccino & narcotics.

my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them

❒Single

❒Taken

✔ This claim is disputed!

Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.

So did all the other people at the post office.

My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.

“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll

Me: No more questions your honor

Judge: The lawyers say that, not you

[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.

I’m NOT Superman.

What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.

M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.

Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.

M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.