Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?

AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?

GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol

ANGEL: What

GOD: Cat snake lmao

Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.

the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch

WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!

WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF

my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking

Leaving the Barbers like

Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…

Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?

Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?

My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.

I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.

[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*

[Arranging a date]

Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?

Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG

Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.

she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”

uh you pretty much described my fantasy

As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.

I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…

Just say no

[Friday morning meeting]

Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*

Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.

Me: It’s Friday the 13th?

“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH

writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill

editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on

writer: well, they go up a hill

editor: i’m already bored

writer: to fetch a pail of water

editor: kill me

writer: no trust me it gets better

Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy

If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.

*tries to get in your pantries*

There is no typo here.

A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.

I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.

[restaurant]

WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?

TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks

If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.

[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha