Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People complain about jury duty as if listening to true crime all day and being sequestered at night isn’t secretly every mother’s fantasy.

Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?

Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you

Me: Not now Dad

Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?

Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now

Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps

This is hilarious

you could not pay me to delete this app

I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.

If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.

My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.

pharmacist: are you getting a booster?

me: high chair please.

Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?

Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.

CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.

Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*

There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.

I think the 2 yr old is ready to watch Texas Chainsaw Massacre

[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader

The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”

cyclists

“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”

im gay on my mothers side

[going to the moon]

Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!

Me: oh no

Co-astronaut: what

Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket

The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case

My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth

When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.

I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.

Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…

Me: $3,800

Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…

Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.

Salesman:

sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”

okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.

I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.

If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket

Why am I like this?
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