Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house

Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.

nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies

Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board

Me: I have a PhD in mathematics

Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack

Me: *nodding* that makes two

Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.

Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.

may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning

I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.

Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snack

Snacks are ALWAYS the answer

If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.

Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?

Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.

[first day as an undercover cop]

mobster: are you wearing a wire

guy in my earpiece: say no

me: they said to tell you no

My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”

It was a penguin.

You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor

My daughter whose into astronomy asked “how do stars die’?
I said “usually a overdose”

May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”

If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.

Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall

[at the gym]

Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”

Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”

SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox

*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*

me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?

10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.

12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.

2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.

4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.

6am: If I FML

If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:

Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.

I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.

They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul

5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?

Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.

Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.

If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.