Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.

Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.

But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.

Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron

“No way.” -Jose

ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong

SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you

ME: *under breath* damn, son

That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.

A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…

I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.

Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.

Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”

This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.

If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤

alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!

his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too

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The surprise organ harvestings will continue until morale improves now back to work

WIFE: I want a divorce.

ME: Is it because of my small wrists?

WIFE: Yes.

ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.

Those are good neighbors.

🐕🍷

Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.

I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off

And that’s when I realized it was a cop car

I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.

Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”

Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?

Me: Yes, I was.

Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.

Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down

8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife

Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.

Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.

Steam Forums

Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.

In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.

Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you