@marcodas146

Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog

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@ClichedOut

Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.

*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*

@JoshuaHvr

If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.

@shopkins776

20 year old me)I’m going to be rich

30 year old me)I’m going to travel

40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person

50 year old me)I’m going to bed

@LittlestSlobo

The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.

@GrowlyGrego

Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.

PRIEST: Those are your vows?

@Michael1979

Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.

@myonlymizztake

I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.

@AlexRogaski

The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.