Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
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Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
Shower sex be like:
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
this will hang in the louvre one day
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
That’s what I call a flat tire
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.