Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog

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Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.

*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*


If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.


20 year old me)I’m going to be rich

30 year old me)I’m going to travel

40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person

50 year old me)I’m going to bed


The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.


Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.

PRIEST: Those are your vows?


Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.


I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.


The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.