Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to

7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.

People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.

I like to call those people liars.

My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.

Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.

CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.

GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?

ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills

NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax

[5 minutes later]

me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad

Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.

Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.

Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.

It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.

I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill

Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.

8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*

8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:27am: *takes a shower*

9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*

9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*

*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all

*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few

My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing

I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.

“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.

All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.

Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”

Have kids, they said

defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!

My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.

Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.

If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently

i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper

Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.

My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.

I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.