Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.

Rt to bother an English speaker

something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination

My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’

Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”

Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.

Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,

I’m a terrible gardener.

If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.

“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”

Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”

“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”

Facebook is worse than my parents.

The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.

Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection

If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.

M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.

James Bond: I should use better what now?

WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?

ME: u said to groom him

WIFE: i meant brush

ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off

DOG: this is bullshit

Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.

Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.

1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face

ME: So what do you do?

DATE: I’m a chef in the army.

ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.

HER: *already in an Uber

I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.

I had a well check visit today & my doctor, in the middle of listening to my chest, asked me how the library was & if it was busy now that kids were back in school.

I don’t work at a library. I don’t know what he’s talking about.

I just rolled with it. The library is fiiiiiine.

It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.

[apocalypse]

Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly

Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world

Day 69: LOL 69

What legos do when we’re not looking.

i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”

parenting is not for the faint of heart

I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.

I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet

I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.

Reasons my toddlers cried this weekend:

-It stopped raining outside
-My wife asked them if they wanted to go to the playground
-I took the “wrong” bite of my sandwich
-I helped my 4 y/o for to many minutes

My children, who were born two years apart, recently informed me they are actually twins, that they know this on a soul-level, and that what happened was my youngest got tangled in a tube inside me somewhere and just sort of… hung out for two years on accident