Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.

Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down

Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother

Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”

Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers

ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.

QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?

my mother smoked while she was pregnant with me so i’m like basically bbq

My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol

HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!

“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation

Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?

me: dogs have 4 legs

her:

me: so do tables

her: ok

me: so dogs are tables

her: no

me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen

(When someone insults something you like.)

“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”

(When someone insults something you hate.)

“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”

Home alone tonight

The fridge is making weird noises

I think the beer wants out….

Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard

It’s a gift

Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on

Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?

Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.

Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.

8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment

My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.

[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..

He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.

What element do criminals hate to see?

Copper

I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.

Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?

Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?

Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that

I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.

My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?

Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.

Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.

*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU

no show does a misunderstanding/miscommunication plot better than modern family does 😭