[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
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I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
Love this one 😂🧟
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
just pretend nothing happened
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
Radiohead fans, this is for you.