Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?

Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.

– My dog, whenever I’m eating.

Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?

Me: I’m.

*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password

devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday

As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.

[police station]

Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!

Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!

Cop: *mumbling* am not.

Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”

There are plenty of fish in the sea.

There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.

interviewer: why are there so many huge gaps on your resume

me: honestly i’m still sorta figuring out microsoft word

I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.

My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise

Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.

Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.

Me: no just-just one.

Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.

Me: uh what?

Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.

[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??

me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam

listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”

[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunter

Daughter: So I gather

Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.

Doctor: I’m diagnosing you with onomatopoeia

Me: what’s that???

Doctor: exactly what it sounds like

lmao😭🤣

Other moms: I hate summer break

Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes

Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me

Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-

Me: *glares*

Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.

THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!

1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity

Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.

Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days

You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.

So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.

Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured

Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids

Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…

My wife: …so what do you think?

Me: wait… what?