Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.

“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.

People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”

These aren’t even hard anymore.

airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover

This sounds more like an accusation than a question.

The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…

You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?

My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.

Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.

*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*

ME: it’s like a dream come true

UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen

Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.

Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.

I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.

Some people age like wine, others age like milk.

Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.

Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound

I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.

[reptile bar]

SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie

COBRA *blushing*: tee hee

Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.

Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick

I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts

I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.

Almost just got hit by an ambulance, which would have been handy I guess.

interviewer: describe your hero

me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room

Day 1 of being kidnapped.

Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.

Husband is asking for more money.

Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?

Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.

Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.

The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.

Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.

The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.

ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it