[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
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Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.