Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I hate math.

Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.

“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”

*slams phone*

Why do I keep calling that parrot?!

perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors

hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this

me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that

Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess

Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad

Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit

ME: wow your correct

FRIEND: *you’re

ME: -ions are presumptuous

1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.

2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.

3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!

4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!

My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!

I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?

Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.

Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into

If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.

Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?

I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book

date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker

me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish

My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa

I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective

Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.

ME: You bring that cash you owe me?

ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.

ME: No you didn’t.

i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera

An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.

FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!

My comment: So was the Titanic.

Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.

*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)

There’s a kid who we used to have round occasionally who is no longer welcome. Pathological liar and scheming little bully. Constantly involved in fights at school but none are ever his fault. He’s gonna end up in jail, hospital, Prime Minister or CEO of a big4 consulting firm

Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?

Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”

When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.

PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.

I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.

l’ll call it my oughtabiography

Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻‍♀️😂

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