Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich

[Checking into hotel]

WIFE: Please tell me you didn’t use your stupid alter ego name when book-

ME: Reservation for Troy Awesomesauce please

My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!

My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now

[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]

Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh

*flirting poorly at the grocery store*

me: so do you eat food often?

Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?

Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out

[world without bees]

Hamlet: to or not to

when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak

TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.

life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women

[coming out of coma]

Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*

I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy

Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.

Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.

Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.

I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.

So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.

Whether you rip off a bandaid quickly or slowly, I find it’s best to ask the wearer’s permission first.

If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?

NEIGHBOR: What’s up?

ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month

NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?

ME: The what now?

8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.

Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.

The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.

*Followed*

Donkey Kong sommelier

When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute

“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”

doc: i think you’re dying

me: I want a second opinion

doc: i think it’s great

My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity

Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house

*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is

I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.

– 11, missing the point of Lent

HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!