Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How all things should be taught/explained.

I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.

[Job Interview]

Boss: What’s your biggest wea-

Me: Interrupting people.

No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.

[first day as burglar]

me : OMG SNACKS

My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.

Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.

She’s right about both.

Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.

Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.

Me: Absolutely broke.

Advertisers: She’s ready. Target her with the nicest shoes ever.

[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!

I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.

*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*

Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?

Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT

I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.

Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch

*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*

Nurse: We only need one.

*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*

People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!

Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.

Look, when I invited you out for a drink I meant a milkshake with two straws, so don’t make it weird bro, I’m not gay

“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs

Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.

Me: my husband’s snoring

Therapist: let me rephrase

Either there are two cops in my fridge or I’ve accidentally opened the front door again

“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog

I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”

ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape

INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses

My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”

Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.

If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ

Justice is a dish best served cold.

If it were served warm, it would be justwater.

“Please be normal”
“Nope”

Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃

in the ocean