Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.

She wanted me to impress her in the bedroom so I showed her my organised sock drawer and my fresh matching bedding

I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.

People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.

I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman

I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.

My wife was doing her morning crossword and asked…

“Where is Dakar” And I answered… “in da garage”.

Doctor said I need to eat more salad.

I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.

Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.

My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”

If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know

I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.

Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams

BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?

ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?

BOSS: Sure. Busy day?

ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.

god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…

Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.

I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.

[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that

Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.

Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.

me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad

6: what happened?!

me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point

one of my colleagues is just one of my absolute favourite people. a patient brought us in homemade strawberry and cream cupcakes as an apology for being rude earlier, and my colleague just finished hers, licked her lips, dropped the paper in the bin and announced to the world ‘A F****N’ ENJOYED THAT, SORCHA. SOMEONE ANNOY HER AGAIN’

I love her

In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.

did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”

Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.

[applying for a home loan]

Lender: how much is your car payment

Me: uhh

Lender: what’s your salary before taxes

Me: umm

Lender: do you know anything

Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder

HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?

Me: Roast Chicken.

HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?

Me: yes, a roast chicken.

If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors

I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”