Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
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just gave your address to some spiders
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
If you ring my doorbell on election night and ask for candy you WILL get it.
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE