Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
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Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls![]()
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
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My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
8: If I promise to be super super good all the way until I’m 10, can I get a phone for my 10th birthday?
Me: Ok. Can you put your lunch box away?
8: Nah, I’m kinda busy.
Me: I thought you were going to be super super good?
8: Yeah, I’m starting that when I’m 9.
My aunt showed me a type of lily without leaves called the Naked Lady and I immediately googled “naked lady” expecting to get results about the plant
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.