[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
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Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
just had the most telling freudian slip of my life when someone called in asking for the boss and I replied “sorry he’s not in right now, is there anyone else that can hurt you?” jfc
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out