Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…

Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.

*school is cancelled indefinitely*

My kids: Mom, why are you crying?

Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM

all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭

“Be careful. That ice is slippery” – Everyone after you slip on ice.

Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out

[Prison visit]

Me: I finally have a date for my execution

GF: WHO IS SHE

My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them

dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*

aaaaaaand scene

Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.

Me: Got it.

[Later]

Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-

Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.

Worst ways to die

1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose

If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.

When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card

Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.

*signing divorce papers*

Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*

My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.

I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.

I’m not too proud to admit I’ve slept my way to the bottom.

Burning witches at the stake is so 1692. Nowadays folks use a microwave coven.

That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork

might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun

Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.

I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.

How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?

Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.

~ me, flirting.

My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”

#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine

THERAPIST: what’s wrong?

WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!

ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?

*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri

I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”