[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
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I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
Christians will say, “I can’t wait to get to Heaven,” and then wear a seatbelt. Y’all pick a lane
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
What?!?
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
Oops 🤭
Heck of a week to be a 50-year-old journalist working with people in their 20s when the news has been about pagers and now Tupperware.
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
Big Sex has us all fooled
If ever paramedics are trying to revive me and all else is failing, I hope someone has the good sense to play the sound of an approaching bin lorry into my ears. If that doesn’t wake me, I’m definitely dead.
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
me when the borders lift
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
Two sheep walk into a baaaaa.
