Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.

I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed

I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.

[interrupts Pink Floyd]

“Actually, it’s AN education”

Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.

Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.

My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.

Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.

Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.

*meets someone who’s really into politics*

Wow, I wish I was dead.

Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.

Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.

Snapes on a plane.

A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.

My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton

Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.

Kid: *from the back seat* Daddy, when a snowflake gets made, how does one side know what the other side looks like?

Me: It’s because…holy shit

Kid: You just ran that stop sign

Me: Shut up give me a second

me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster

gf: you know you could have just taken a photo

just arby’s bein’ a bro

I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.

I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work

Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.

I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.

I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.

Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.

The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.

Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting

i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism

Cat 911: What’s your emergency

Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish

Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it

Cat:

Cat 911:

Cat: Haha hahaha

Cat 911: hahahha

Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter

Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.