*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
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Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
demi lovato is short for demilitarized love potato
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case