Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.

job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them

I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.

Negotiating with a 3 year old:

Me: pick out two books to read.

3yo: no five books!

Me: fine three books.

3yo: no five books!

Me: no one book!

3yo: no TWO books!

Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.

captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship

sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir

INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words

If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”

My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?

Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES

My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.

If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.

Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more

Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?

Him: “… I slept on the couch.”

Mmmm yeahh

October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.

[pointing to a gravestone]

I’ll have what HE’S having!

My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?

Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.

The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.

when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied

A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”

CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.

Hacker: I have all your passwords

Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.

I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site

Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.

me: this hotel is $100 per night?

clerk: that’s right

me: how much for just one room

Morning.

Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.

The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers

Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium

Me: 0mg

Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.

listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth

Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me