Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.

[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”

There’s a new part of my brain aggressively trying to make me completely dedicate my life to becoming an expert on German amusement parks. It’s like “hey dude this stuff might be the most important shit you’ll ever learn” and I’m like christ. You’re probably right

My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions

guy at the gym: hey can you spot me

me: ya you’re not even hiding

Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?

me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”

Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!

Me: *puts naked Barbie away.

‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!

Her:Freak!

Me:Did you feel–anything?

Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—

Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*

I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me

Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.

[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader

[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”

How many times should you punch the job interviewer to show how tough you are because so far they’re not happy with just the one

So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.

*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them

Work crush came by to drop off zip ties while I was on the phone so I missed the opportunity to smile creepily and say “sorry we had to ask, I just don’t keep zip ties around… anymore.” Bc that’s how I flirt.

*meets someone from France*

I’m a big fan of your toast!

So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯

“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*

When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.

Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.

*posts Social Security number on social media*

*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*

Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”

Batman: “Shut up.”

I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs

Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants

Gonna teach myself how to play the bagpipes. Wonder if I should tell the neighbors

He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”

She: “Prove it.”

He: *Plays Call of Duty*

Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl

The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…

One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!