*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
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Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
wife yelling down to basement: you guys aren’t trying to contact spirits down there are ya??
me coughing bc I sat too close to the burning sage: we’re playing poker
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
New mindset, who dis?
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
why is the debate at night time. let’s get this thing started at 4pm. i don’t need to get riled up so close to bedtime.
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”