Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue

Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.

Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”

blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.

me: Fantastick.

*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*

Salad was likely invented after someone picked everything they didn’t like out of their meal and put it on a separate plate.

I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes

A dating app for angry people- Grumble

My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.

Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.

I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.

Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.

Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts

If I could have lunch with anyone, alive or dead, I would choose alive, because dead people won’t pass the f***ing salt.

I’m not at all competitive [secretly races some woman on the self-checkout next to me so I finish first]

God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE

“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.

Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry

A colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence.

For example:

– Jill ate her friend’s sandwich.
– Jill ate her friend’s colon.

People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.

New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.

Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.

Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”

I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.

I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.

Who’s ready for Friday?!

I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.

That very depressing moment when you find out the fire alarm that went off at work was just a test

Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?

Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?

Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?

Advisor: let me take their temperature

Queen: ?

Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king

Queen: how do you know?

Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises

FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swear

ME: is it your liver & kidneys?

i bet it’s your liver & kidneys