*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
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My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
I bet birds love this building.
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
Them: How corny are your jokes?
Me: Pretty corny
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
Pharmacist. There’s one particular cupboard in the pharmacy that is locked all the time with one lock & two padlocks. I’m the only person with the keys. The other staff all believe there are very serious drugs only I’m allowed to access in there. It’s actually my snack cupboard.
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you