It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
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[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
Very problematic
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”