Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor

Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry

Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.

Is it because I’m brown??

At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.

ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?

HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops

{Police Job Interview}

Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.

Recruit: Why kill a kitten?

Captain: You’re hired.

As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.

He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.

I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.

Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???

I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.

I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.

Cop: Do you know how fast-

Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”

Cop: …Sir is that your son

Me: I don’t have a son

[first day as a masseuse]

Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”

Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”

Please, I am begging you.

Stop looking at weird sh*t on your company-issued laptops.

Them: why are you wearing fashion magazines?

Me: they’re articles of clothing

I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.

[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]

Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck

I’m delusional but self aware, I call that Delaware.

My trophies are a result of:

80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills

I saw The Blair Witch Project way too young and it made me afraid of projects

interviewer: what do you know about excel?

me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet

I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys

I hate gender stereotypes.

Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.

Turns out they don’t like whisky.

thats my bad

My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”

Note for writers:

If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.

I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.

After having a week off, my boss returns to work today. please respect my privacy during this difficult time.

I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.

Wordle is trying to tell me something

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I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.