[leans into restaurant] hey do you guys serve chicken
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door open for my bird friend] perfect
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Noah
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
It’s pretty apt that the i is in the middle of ‘hurricane’.
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
I’ve been saying this for years: Every major airport in America is leaving money on the table by not having a nail salon
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭