[leans into restaurant] hey do you guys serve chicken
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door open for my bird friend] perfect
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Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
Anyone know what emoji I can use for “no mum, I don’t remember the woman who lived 4 doors down from us 36 years ago who had no neck”? x
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
just remembered my uber driver who messaged me that he had to stop for something and showed up 12 minutes late with chocolate on his face
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss