Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.

Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart

Spent the entire day milking a single almond.

My bf just had me “stay alive” in his game while he went to the bathroom and I died immediately

The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.

This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy

Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?

A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.

If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns

Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.

“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”

I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.

Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.

I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.

I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”

Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning

I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate

My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.

I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.

Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh

[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm

Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it

Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.

Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!

Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.

If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.

Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?

We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.

My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.

you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and

shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.

so you jump to death from the check-out desk.

That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??

Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work